Feminists are ugly

Sometimes describing myself as a feminist makes me feel ugly. The suffragettes in the late 19th and early 20th century were the first feminists to be subjected to the 'ugly for speaking out' label. This manifested into physicality, through caricatures which depicted them as spinsters, with ugly defining features, and an air of masculinity. Unlovable. Challenging the norm was something which scared people and this was their revenge. I would like to say that maybe 100 years on people are a little more enlightened, but you only need to look at the online trolling of feminist writers, activists, and journalists to know that this is not the case. They are consistently insulted on their appearance (before they are threatened with rape, of course). A quick google search of 'why are feminists....' took me to 'ugly' as the first suggestion, before moving on to 'fat'. I think there is still a certain amount of ugliness associated with being a feminist, and ugly as a concept is not just skin deep.

   So when I say it makes me feel ugly, I am not referring to body image. I don't care if people think I don't shave my legs (and sometimes I don't, and I don't give a shit), and I work hard to buy all the make up and products necessary to achieve a full womanly attractiveness. My blusher costs £25. Twenty five pounds! And as the contemporary woman I am, I know how to choose an Instagram filter which best captures the blue of eyes (often Brannan). So, mostly, I follow all the rules of conventional attractiveness in a physical sense, and besides (but most importantly), I've spent the past 25 years learning to love and accept my body regardless of minor flaws and fluctuations in weight. But the 'feminist is ugly' label isn't, and never was, about appearance.

    I've always felt the need to please, which I think is a personal feeling coupled with the gendered nature of that trait. I feel I've always had an unthought of sense, before I became more politically and socially aware, that women shouldn't be too loud, too challenging, too opinionated. It isn't attractive in a woman. Where did I learn that? How did I learn it? I'm not even sure. It's not something I believe myself or think others around me believe. Neither is it the reality that any of the incredibly beautiful and strong minded feminist women I know, (of which I am insanely lucky to know many) are ever considered unattractive in any sense for their views. But still, I'm wary of speaking out too much or too strongly, because people don't like it, and it's still something rooted in me that I need to please. And being a feminist is to be ugly. And being ugly is to be unloveable. Occasionally that fear that you think is irrational, manifests into reality and it is a horrible thing. Sometimes striving to be aware of the fact we live in a racist ableist cissexist hetero-patriarchal society is too much for other people. You see their faces flinch slightly as something basic and integral to their world view becomes slightly shaken by a comment I have made. In their expression I can read that I have not pleased them, that I have gone too far and questioned too much, and brought too much negativity to their door, and that makes me unattractive. It is something I have been rejected for.

    I have often found however, that there is something liberating about the thing that you are afraid of happening, actually happening. Because once it has, there is nothing left to be afraid of. Nothing left but to grow and be stronger. I've learnt that it's important to see yourself as beautiful, and to feel confident in your body, but there is a lot to be said for having confidence in who you are and what you believe. Feminism has given me a lot of strength through knowledge and understanding, but it is still a label which is sometimes still met with trepidation. There will always be people that will find something about having opinions which challenge societal norms and assumptions an unattractive thing, but living to please others is never going to work; people will either like what you've got to offer or they won't. Loving yourself is of course the most important thing. Loving yourself physically isn't enough, you have to love every part of you, and that includes every belief you have which might make other people feel uncomfortable.